childhood wonder.

I was on the subway the other day and caught myself smiling at a child in her stroller. Sometimes I wonder how we end up letting life happen, and losing it all. The space of innocence and ignorance; the simplicity of joy where we saw the world smaller than what it actually is. In a world gone mad, ignorance is bliss, but ignorance is also irresponsible.

Like grief, it is only human to run away from the things that make us uncomfortable, and very much unlike me this season, I have started to run away again from the things that would normally find me charging head on to. I have always tried to lead with authenticity, but lately I find myself wanting to hide and bury it. Perhaps its a result of so much happening in a world gone mad, and how mad it has been, or the exhaustion of swimming that I let the current take me.

I haven’t hidden myself as much as I have this past couple of weeks, and I do believe that I am starting to fray at the seams. I find myself band-aiding my solutions once more in an attempt to reconnect myself back to the heart of what I have derailed from. I find myself forcing conversation, knowing that me two weeks down the road will thank me for it, even though I would rather hide and not see the sun. I find myself disconnected to my rhythms of life, trying to catch the beat and tune to its syncopations once more, but with limited success.

I wonder how much I can blame it on exhaustion instead of a growing indifference, of so much that is happening. I find myself trying to stop a careening down the track, and perhaps with some luck, can jump myself back to the space that I have somewhat quietly forgotten. Time perhaps is all I need, yet at the same time, I want everything in between to fade away.