loving. (again)

I’ve been running my excuses long and hard in trying to walk my way out of loving again in whatever shape or form my heart was once used to. I’ve come to acknowledge the quiet truth that I have lost my intentionality for and started second guessing the spaces I once continued to let love flow through. I’ve come to terms with the notion that there are promises I no longer wish to keep, from places and people I made them with some days and months ago.

I would be lying to say that the pandemic isn’t partially to blame for this, but I’ve never truly been as patient as others expect or take me to be. Perhaps what I did not anticipate was the violent and silent pushback that came as I re-entered my areas; a quiet and nonchalant resentment that might have always been there. While I’ve come to realize that it has become harder to continually keep my spirit and heart in check with the softness it once used to hold. I perhaps also unwillingly underestimated the unsaid things I have and continue to take myself for granted for. For the longest time I feel like I have kept my store cupboard closed only to now find the contents spilling on to me, as I open the door for the very first time in a long time. My heart screams its own quiet heavy as it learns to walk once more the fine line of balance between the intentionality of making room and space for love, the resentment I’ve had to walk myself through and out of, and the heavy that comes with the things that trigger tenderly unspoken moments of my past.

Love doesn’t require emotion, only intentionality, and I have procrastinated my way through this out of my own exhaustion, but perhaps also because I’ve gone through more cycles of it than I can remember. There is a great vulnerability and courage that comes from holding space for things that are larger than what we intend naturally for ourselves. Even when I know not to carry such things, such long formed habits are hard to quietly break, and hold myself accountable towards.

I am reminded of the simple truth that love cannot be sustained unless it is bound and anchored within its singular source, and that the spirit of love cannot manifest without the whole hearted courage to love, and desire to sit in the quiet shadow of Love. I know I haven’t been as intentional as I could be in returning to my Source of love, and perhaps ultimately for that reason, the shift for better or worse has brought up within me such spaces, that require the need for a hard realignment back to centre. Loving was never going to be easy, but that’s the whole point for it.