september trauma.

September Trauma was something I almost forgot about.

I caught myself dissociating the other day waiting for 15 minutes as streetcars passed me by before I proceeded to walk another two blocks and waited for the next one that passed me by. The paranoia of whispers are starting to hit more violently than I remember. You tell yourself that you have come out of it and that you’ve overcome, but sometimes your body keeps its score and the violence hits when you least expect it to. Like every over functioning, anxious avoidant human, I tend to run instead of embrace the spaces that my body needs to reconcile its grief. As a result of that, my head lives in perpetual dissonance with my heart. 

In spite of this, I know the feelings will run their course. That with all things this too shall pass. Yet each time I wait for it to, courage leaves me a little bit wearier than it once found me. Perhaps that is part of the journey and the road ahead. Recovery and healing are never linear, and sometimes the best of the work is done in the quiet and hard places.

It is taking way more energy than I anticipated not turning September into a month of anxious avoidance, but perhaps that is where the joy is found. In the fact that in this moment, where I am in the journey is where I need to be. That the courage to continue, is courage enough. 

Till my next therapy session.