sydney.

Running away to Australia in May was probably the best thing I did for myself in a long while. Seeing friends and family on the other side of the world reminded me about how unhappy I have allowed myself to be in Canada, and restored my soul back to the space it had once inhabited. We hold our grief in many spaces, some more apparent than others.

I held my grief in self-loathing and indifference in the way my life was unfolding. The tension lived within the every fibre of my being, and I hated myself for it.

Sitting at Manly Beach, and watching the seagulls roam, I felt my body let out its quiet whimper. A silent cry of someone who has learnt to teach himself to feel his emotions.

Of a child that grew up much to early.

Of someone who had to build resilience into character not out of want, but necessity.

Of someone who had learned to love the world in order to love himself.

I never want to ever take travel for granted, and count it a great privilege to be able to have lived the life I have as a third-culture kid, yet the scars of that experience remind me of the tension I find myself fighting, yet I am grateful for the familiar souls that I am able to cross paths with, and old friends that no matter how life unfolds, I can call upon whenever the going gets tough.

Or friends that come in and out of life, that will never become strangers, whom we find comfort and security in for bringing joy in to each other’s lives, and being the ones authentic and present in a time we needed them the most.

The end of this trip signaled perhaps a growing end of a denial that my life in North America may be coming to a close. I have bargained in grief that my time here will be limited by the months remaining on my graduate degree (surprise I am back in school), yet I know that I cannot live in the shadow that while I have created something wonderful here by the grace of God, it is not where I rest.

May the coming months continue to bring its own revelations of peace and comfort in a world quietly going off the rails. May the next few months bring the clarity that I desire to bookend my time here, a time, perhaps a few years ago, I was reminded needed to draw to a close.

May gratitude continue to keep me grounded, in the wonder of a dying ember.