finding worth in the season.

I can’t recall the last time I celebrated the season intentionally for what it was, or experienced the fullness of joy that comes in the little things that are worth celebrating. The years have accumulated their lessons, and moments worth lamenting. The loss of a safe space, the uncertainty of friendships after fractured boundaries, the mourning of things that needed to be let go for the better half of my sanity. A recalibration towards the heart of who I had forgotten myself to be; a reminder of hope and love in dark spaces.

The last days of December have always been somewhat of a wrestle, and perhaps I’ve grown accustomed to the isolation that I have mapped out for myself as a barrier between a heart in grief and the spaces that were not ready for it. Maybe it’s because of this, that I’ve always felt uncomfortable wholeheartedly embracing the full “joy of the season”, even when there is much to celebrate. Instead, I’ve often resorted to sitting with the paradoxical nature of peace that comes in the finality of all things; the end of the year, the end of another lap around the sun. The end of another race well run. Isolation has proved a quiet comfort and certainty that reminds me of a simple truth that as much as I would like to anticipate joy, it firstly begins within me.

I’ve learnt to not let the many external experiences dictate the course of the season, and have learned through quiet moments in peace and reflection, on the nature of the other side; the paradoxes that come with holding joy and grief together, that as each year passes, I find myself “happier” than I once was. December will always be a season of lament for me, a passing and reconciliation of things that never got to be. In so much as my resilience is formed through a love greater and bigger than myself, my capacity to comprehend the full nature of what is to come, rests in the ability to acknowledge and raise with thanksgiving, an acceptance that comes with the territory of loosing the battle in order to win the war.

To anyone fighting for joy this season, I would say rest in the knowledge that joy exists in the spaces that you are, for joy comes through you and not outside you. Your struggle to overcome all that beleaguers you is your immediate joy; a resilience and determination to see it through to the other side. It is the conscious fight towards the things you never expected yourself fighting for, to consistently show up in spaces you never imagined to be. To exist, through gritted teeth and the whole hearted determination, lean into the weight of upmost compassion, love and gratitude that your next day is worth more than just enduring.