grief & .

I lost my grandmother this past weekend.

I have never been a good regulator for my own emotions. At least growing up I never have been. People have always said that I’ve always exuded stoicism and calmness amidst trial, even so, learning of it, and continuing as if nothing has happened, out of perhaps an old habit of endurance, that if I ignore it hard enough and long enough, the feelings will go away.

I promised myself a long time ago, I wouldn’t repeat the past, and that I would allow myself to grieve in a way my parents never gave themselves permission to, nor my grandparents before them. There is so much grief in the world, that often times it’s hard to stay numb to it, or to distract yourself from it. Especially in a world where we have everything at our fingertips. I find that the more we isolate ourselves from grief, the scarier it becomes, not necessarily in its innate being, but the wholeness of feeling. We are so often afraid to see ourselves in the mirror, and be caught off guard with what we find in our most vulnerable states. So when grief found me again this weekend, I learnt to greet it like an old friend.

If I was truly honest with myself, I would be inclined to believe that I lived my whole life in grief. Grief of the inability to have the relationships I know so many have learnt to have. Grief in the friends I will never meet or be close to, or see again. Grief in the experiences I have wasted away while sitting in the denial of the fact that I was never happy. Yet the greatest lesson I have learnt through the process is the notion of “grief &”. The intersectionality of our feelings as it meets us. Most people call it cognitive dissonance. I call it my tension filled equilibrium.

In each of those moments, I have learnt to recognize the power in holding space of “grief &”. Grief and peace, has allowed me to forgive myself of the opportunities I saw walk out from my life. Grief and gratitude has reminded me to take stock in the now, and recognize that nothing lasts forever, and that hope always endures. Grief and solitude, has reminded me of the quiet spaces, where I can continue to sing my songs of lament, knowing that I am practicing the art of vulnerability, and authenticity. Grief and joy, yes joy, has reminded me to never forget the little things, for they endure, and hold you to the very end.

The less we are afraid of grief and the more honest we are with its feeling, I feel, the more authentic we can be in terms of connection and community. In the fragments of grief that lead us to anger, may we be reminded, to find courage in one another, and that most people want the same things - to be heard and loved. To belong. It is the very basic of human need.

I will not regret choosing to live away from family, even though I miss home a little more than I should this week, and yes, regardless of how far I go, I will still always call Malaysia home. I will not regret the inability or missed opportunities at connection with my grandmother, experiences I will never have again, and that I will always carry with me. I will never regret the last hug I had with her, almost a year ago, not knowing it would have been the last.

Grief has the power to restore us back to ourselves more than we can imagine. More so than joy, hope or gratitude. Grief is the reminder that we all need each other, more so than we would dare imagine. “Grief &” reminds us that we can hold space for two things at once, and find ourselves in an uncomfortable middle, where the very best of us, can be nurtured, if given the opportunity to do so, healthily and securely in love.