unteathered.

Being back in school was going to be complicated. There was really no doubt about that. I think the scariest thing about it was how much of it so far has been ‘just fine’. For anyone who has lived on the edge of violent swings of emotion, ‘just fine’ comes with the premonition that things were and are too good to be true, and that in time, the feelings good, bad, happy, sad will come in waves larger than the last, and before long, the apprehension felt would be beyond justified. 

Being self-aware has been both a blessing and curse at the same time. The awareness invites action, but also a recognition that things will need to be different, and that there will need to be a conscious effort on my part to implicate it. Yet when your seasons trigger feelings and experiences you thought you had left behind, your heart sinks as the emotions come flooding back. Perhaps it is a reminder, to not rest on my laurels, and to remind myself of the continued growth and endurance that comes with working on yourself and recognizing that the journey to recovery doesn’t end when you become “fine”.

If anything, I have learnt to function within the margins of “fine”, and that my body has learnt to exist with its traumas in a way that masks its true manifestations. This break and close of the season has reminded me if anything that perhaps things were not what I imagined it to be, and perhaps I am worse off than I would like to admit. Yet in all things, I recognize my own resilience and the courage to wrestle with my big feelings in the valleys. Perhaps that is something to think about for the new year; sustained courage, and prolonged peace, as I continue to navigate the fine line of burnout, hope and love for life.