the decisions we get to make.
I have not doubted my discernment and abilities as much as I have in the past few months. Perhaps I have been able to dismiss the thought as easily as it comes, but I’ve been contemplating on if the decisions I have made in the past few weeks, especially since September, which I consider the start of my year, and if they were the right decisions for me.
Before the shame and loathing hits, I recognize and was reminded by my therapist last week that we are all doing the best we can, and the decisions we make are made with the best intentions. That said, I feel like as quiet has the first half of the year has been, the last half of the year has hit me with a vengeance that I cannot explain. I joke with people that what life meant for others to learn in 6 months, it wills me to learn in 6 weeks. I have not felt the intentionality of life’s lessons as much as I have had lately, with the micro dosing of triggers, and me navigating through my pressure points and stressors.
As much as I realize in the past two weeks that I am exactly where I need to be, and I exist where I need to be, I cannot help but question the timing of everything. I know His timing is perfect, just and true, but I wonder why of all things that it has prompted me to be in this space here and now, reflecting on the things I need to navigate going into 2025.
To quit my job or not quit my job. All I know is that where I am at is untenable.
To complete my degree or not. The recognition that perhaps, Higher Education is not where I land. That said, I have loved every bit of this journey thus far. It has been a source of reflection and introspection of the journey I have travelled. Is this the journey I want to continue on? Who knows.
If I were to manage my degree full-time or part-time. I have made peace with the fact that there is no rush to this question. That said, my internal timelines to this city (however appropriate or not) are tied to the completion of said degree.
To take up more responsibility at church. If you had asked me this probably a year and a half ago, I would have laughed and said no, and yet, it seems the thing I should do, and the clarity of alignment of timing and transition has never been so clear. Yet is this wise, with everything else I am juggling. Yet I know that God’s wisdom is not of this world, so perhaps it is the right decision. I have made peace with the fact that He will call me to leave this house, but is this of my making or is this genuine calling? (I ended up saying yes with conditions of support).
On relationships. I feel like going to therapy this past year has cracked open a space with complex trauma that I am still trying to untangle. I recognize that I run to complicated spaces that don’t necessarily give me the opportunities to engage in healing with people due to my avoidant-anxious attachment style and the realization that I run to a space that hurt me out of familiarity and comfort with the big scary. Can I ever know healing or engage in a course correction? I believe so, but it won’t be without a wrestle in the mud.
As the year ends, I find the various areas of my life flaring up as if to push me over the edge of my being. Yet I recall in courage of the last time life threw this much at me, the follow through in breakthrough and weathering of one greater than I, who held my hand as I walked with Him through all my uncertainties.