the space between.

This weekend was a weekend of a lot of things. A lot of things that I had long forgotten, and of the space between. A place that no longer exists, but a place we continue to create moments around. A sentimentality, that if we remain in too long within, can remind us of regret and unfinished sentences. The threads of our lives, we choose to pick up again, after laying bare for many a season.

I have often loved my ability to pick things up where I leave them off, especially when I am so accustomed to doing so in many places around the world. Yet this go around feels a little different. It would not be vulnerable for me to admit that there is a little regret that stains the last few threads I have started to weave in and weave back through my tapestry. There is a sense that perhaps I have lived quite comfortably on the fence, and now that I have chosen to get myself off it, I see within the spaces between, what could have been, had I perhaps not wanted to stay my distance. Relationships have grown and runaway from me. Moments perhaps I could have once explored, are now dead-ends and boarded up doors.

I reminded someone today and myself at the same time, that sometimes all we need to do is show up, and let God do the rest. I have been humbled to realize more than once in the last weeke, that I haven’t shown up in the spaces that I once used to, perhaps out of a resentment of how I was the last I embraced them. That there is much back-treading to do to make up for lost time. I take courage in the thought that it is better to arrive late than it is to never arrive at all. In so much my seasons, perhaps the next few weeks and months, will lead me to restoring and rebuilding spaces perhaps I have allowed to grow dormant. I know I have said this to myself before, to do and engage differently, but there is a sense of urgency here, perhaps that never was there before.

Only time will tell where this space will take me and how the threads woven will transform the tapestry I weave. I remind myself humbly today, and in humility, that it is never enough to want change, unless you are willing to engage with it. Perhaps it might lead to a few bruises to my ego, and rekindled emotions I have told myself to bury, but the only way forward sometimes is through. I refuse to shortchange myself again one more for the sake of peace and sanity.